The Beans May Be Cheap, But The Chili Ain't Free

WHY CAN'T I MAKE ANYTHING NORMAL?!?

Ok, so I found this recipe for a veggie chili on Epicurious. I was excited when I found it because the recipe called for swiss chard, and my last foray into the world of greens didn't turn out quite as planned. When I saw this recipe I thought of two words: REDEMPTION, BABY.

The recipe also called for butternut squash, and seeing as how it is autumn, and I'd never cooked a squash before, I thought to myself, perfecto, a couple of challenges in one. So, off I merrily went to the grocery store to get the ingredients. EXCEPT! the freaking grocery store had no swiss chard. Grrrrr. Feeling bold and adventurous, after failing to reach anyone on their cell phones for help, I decided to go out on a limb by myself and substitute spinach for the swiss chard. Wild, right? EXCEPT! I'm a friggin' idiot, and when I got back to my office I was summarily informed by my coworker that I had in fact not bought spinach, but rather, sigh, collard greens.

I hastily began consulting the internet for information on collard greens, and frantically emailed Southern friends for help (thanks, Jackson). And basically, everywhere I turned, people were telling me you simply cannot put collard greens in chili.

After drying my tears of initial frustration, I decided to just say fuck it. Who says you can't put collard greens in chili?!

What's that, bitches? Aww, schnap, it's collard greens!

Right. So here's how I "modified" the recipe. So, first of all, if you've never made them, collard greens need to simmer for a surprisingly long time. I cleaned them, chopped them, brought them to a boil, and then turned down the heat and let them simmer for a little more than an hour. At which time, I dumped them into the collander and left them to sit aside for awhile.

I then basically followed the recipe, cooked up some garlic and onions, added the cubes of squash (kind of a bitch to peel and cut, by the way), and then added the black beans, tomatoes and vegetable broth. Here's where I discovered yet another so-called "mistake" I had made -- I accidentally bought crushed tomatoes instead of diced tomatoes. And it turns out that crushed tomatoes are generally marketed under the more well-known name of "sauce." Hence, my chili had no tomato chunks. Whatareyagonnado.

Oh, and I didn't have as much chili powder on hand as I thought I had, so I doubled the cumin to make up for it. Personally I think that cumin has a more, um, sophisticated taste than chili powder, so, ya know. This wasn't a mistake either.

Moving On.

After about 15 minutes or so, I added the collard greens back into the mess. And I let it all simmer for about another half hour or so.

And voila: collard greens and butternut squash chili!

I know, it sounds disgusting. And looks pretty heinous. But there are a couple of valuable lessons to be learned from this pot o' craziness.

1. It's pretty freaking hard to make chili taste bad. If you put chili powder, beans and pretty much anything else into a pot, it's going to taste kinda good.

2. Butternut squash is really nice in chili. I'd totally do that again.

3. Collard greens are really weird, and probably don't belong in chili. But you know what? I'm glad I took the risk. Also, I was way too lazy to go to a different grocery store in search of a more appropriate green.

So, here's the final product with a dollop of sour cream on top. And I swear, it kinda tasted good.

Also, aren't you all jealous of my cute little pink cat soup spoons?! There are some perks to living in Chinatown. Having fully-stocked grocery stores is, unfortunately, not one of them.